This post was supposed to be all about my next adventure, which happened to be tickets to see my other idols, Aerosmith at Download2014.
Supposed to be.
To be honest, It’s a surprise to some that I can even write this blog, as I have had the absolute worst week of my life. Family tragedies and stress levels like you wouldn’t believe.
And you know what? In the past, I would have crumbled. Hidden away, stuck my head in the sand and tried to make believe that this was not happening.
As someone who has struggled with depression over the past 15+ years, I know myself really well. I know my “levels”. I know when I am spiralling into the bleakest despair, and I know when elation is taking over me.
For many years, bleakest despair was a way of life for me. Which is why this transformation I have undergone in the past year has been so dramatic. I refuse to allow depression to rule me, to take over my life and thoughts, as it is so easily able to do.
I think anyone who knows what I am going through at the moment, would agree that I am entitled to be depressed….even angry. BUT I can’t be. To let myself get back to that state will mean that I have given up. Stopped living my life. Stopped enjoying the brightness and colour each day brings.
I am funny about certain things. Numbers, patterns, and lists. Not OCD as such, but when I have my life organised and ordered, then everything is “right”.
So, at the moment, I make sure I get up every day and I put on a pretty 50s dress. I do my make-up the same way I do it every day. And I style my hair. I immerse myself in making the phone calls and organising what has to be done next.
To some, this might seem insensitive, callous even. I can almost hear them thinking… “How can she do that with all that’s happening?” “How can she be so on top of things?”
But I have NO choice. Because If I fail to do these simple things, my life and the order of it will spiral out of control. This is MY way of controlling things and making sure that I can get up every day and carry on…