For those long time readers of mine, you will know I started my body positivity journey just over 4 years ago when I hit the ripe old age of 40.
I decided I didn’t want to hide in jeans and t-shirts; that I wanted to be a modern Doris Day (my idol) and so I took that step and have never looked back.
Fabulous Forty
Now don’t get me wrong, there have been a few wobbles along the way, such as when I took a burlesque class with the amazing Fabia Cera. At the end we were split into two groups to come up with a performance that we would show each other.
I know the phrase is ‘This Girl Can’
Well, This girl couldn’t.
Burlesque with Fabia
I ducked out, explaining that I wasn’t quite far enough along on my body confidence journey and the prospect of doing a performance physically made me feel sick to my stomach. Fabia was brilliant and I sat and watched all the confident, sassy women strut their stuff.
And I regretted not being up there with them.
Since then there have been a couple of minor blips, but nothing much and I fell more in love with myself and my shape and body as time went on.
Scarlett and Jo
If anyone asked me how I felt about myself, my stock answer would be that I was happy with my shape and size. There was not a part of me I didn’t love.
Then a couple of years ago I was having a chat with a load of plus size beauties and one said ‘Oh no, I have to cover my arms up as I don’t like the flabby bits’
StyleXL
Well, I had never even considered my arms! I was just worried about my breasts, my tummy, my bottom and my thighs. Should I be concerned about my arms or other parts I had never thought about?
Of course, each of us have parts we don’t like. And those vary from person to person. So I stopped having those thoughts and bimbled along in my merry way, happy in what I thought was total Body Positivism.
I would get emails and messages from ladies telling me I was an inspiration; my confidence shone through and they wished they were as brave as I was.
The Tanya Bra and Brief
I always got a little (translate this as a LOT) embarrassed about this, as a) I wasn’t anything special and b) I didn’t feel super confident; I was just living my life without any thought to negativity.
I appreciated every single one of those comments and always took time to reply to them. I guess I was just me and didn’t see anything that wonderful. I think it is inherently a British thing; we don’t deal with compliments very well.
Hotties Vintage
Anyway, to get to the point, recently the hubby was due to have quite a serious eye operation at Addenbrookes hospital. Due to the timings of the operation and recuperation, I had booked a room at the amazing Anstey Hall, a stately home around 2 miles from the hospital.
Knowing it was going to be quite the setting, I took some clothing and underwear with me and hubby was going to do an amateur photo shoot with my trusty Nikon camera.
Shooting in Stuttgart
Nothing spectacular; he isn’t David Bailey. But I was hoping to get one or two shots in my Ewa Michalak underwear and a dress that I had yet to premier a full length photograph in.
The room was spectacular. Very vintage with bookcases and period chairs.
Florentyna
I did my hair and make up and got ready to be photographed.
I have modelled for an underwear brand (amongst others) had photo-shoots in both clothes and not a lot, and I didn’t think I had any negativity towards my body any longer.
Shoot with Vixen D’Amour
But those shoots are with professionals who do your hair and makeup. Who primp and preen you and get the right light and angles. That take flattering photos of you.
I was excited for more shots to put onto my blog and social media.
My first Shoot
And then I saw the photographs.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not craving compliments or kind words.
Back Fat, Rolls and flabby arms
I wanted to share with everyone that actually even when you feel that you may have achieved total happiness with yourself, there is always a little further to go.
Me and all my flaws, love them or hate them.
For me, in the past, the rolls, bingo wings, cellulite and back fat would have sent me into despair. My mental health would slump and I would decided to try yet another diet, which I would fail quite rapidly.
Just me, no filters or changes
Now I see the same things and whilst I don’t feel that despair, I equally am not elated by what I see. I clearly am not as body confident as I thought I was.
Black and white body
But I am not repulsed.
Mirror,. Mirror
If anything it makes me realise that as a fat person, I cannot and SHOULD not be complacent. There is too much negativity focused towards us without me adding to it.
A little light reading
Do I want to be smaller? Hell no!
Awesome Anstey
I just need to work a bit harder at loving those difficult parts as much as I do the parts that I feel are my best features.
Strike a Pose
Lets face it, If someone asks ‘what’s your best feature’ you are not that likely to say, Oh my cellulite/bingo wings etc. You are probably more likely to give those answers when asked what part of your body do you dislike.
Resting Bitch Face
But why should we dislike them. They are just flesh and bone. Another part of us.
Bookworm
When I see my silhouette with its lumps and bumps I don’t think ‘Oh my gosh you are beauty personified’ I just see a body that has carried children, been employed since it was 15, has travelled to Europe, America and the Caribbean, has friends, adventures and good times.
Vintage Velvet
I look at my achievements. Winning awards for my blog. Passing exams in not only school, but as an adult in customer service, mental health awareness and best of all, Sign Language.
Totally Tiki
I am so much more than my weight, size and shape. Yet society seem to judge on that alone. They see someone who is fat. The stereotypes come in to play….
Reflections
Obviously I sit and eat a dozen burgers in a setting, I gorge cake all day and I can’t get off the sofa.
When in reality, I have a lower cholesterol and blood pressure than most of my family AND peers. I probably eat less than majority of the people who read my blog. My blogger bestie Boo refers to me as a rubbish fatty as I can’t even finish a medium McDonald’s meal (on the rare occasion we have one).
Every lump and bump
Breakfast and Lunch are alien to me and there have been occasions when I have gone several days without food as I just am not that bothered.
Do I like what I see?
But that is not what the public choose to believe. And that derision and scorn is really hard to hear without it affecting you deep inside. Even when I choose to try and defend myself, you can see the look of disbelief on peoples faces.
After all, fat people are only fat because they eat themselves silly!
It is a hard task to ignore those opinions. Especially when faced with them in magazines and on the TV constantly. The diet culture is such big business and can work for some people.
Decisions……
But what about us people who don’t want to change?
Well for me, I have to work on my own confidence and stop comparing professional photographs to amateur ones. After all it is like taking the Mona Lisa, adding filters and highlights and showing the best angles as compared to the shots of me getting out of bed with my hair standing on end and a resting bitch face.
Don’t get me wrong; I love professional shoots and would love to do even more this year, given the opportunity.
Regal Velvet
However I need to learn to love the candid shots taken at home and when out and about. The non-posed pictures that show the true me, warts and all.
In the meantime I will continue to be a Bo-Po warrior. Just because I am not 100% there in my own journey doesn’t mean I can’t support someone who is on the start of theirs. Or someone who is half way along and needs a little advice and guidance.
In fact it would be an honour.
Just me
When all is said and done, I am here to support the Bo-Po cause and fight for the right to live life without scorn or derision.
It is difficult when some of that negativity comes from within, however I am me, even with some parts that I have yet to fall in love with.
Give it time though. I will get there and take as many people along on the journey as I can.
Till next time,
SPSG xxx