A few months back there was an announcement of a Dita Von Teese Tour that would travel across Europe, America, Australia and beyond. The tickets flew off the shelves pretty quickly and at the time I wasn’t in a position to be able to go.
However, a few weeks later a lot more dates were given out and my blogging wifey Boo asked if I wanted to go and see the show. Of course it was too good an opportunity to miss, so we booked ourselves into the London Palladium on November 12th.
I watched lots of my friends go to the event and rave over how wonderful it was, but we still had a few weeks to go before our scheduled date.
One thing I did notice though was that EVERYONE was dressed to the nines. I honestly hadn’t really thought that much about it, however I was seeing ladies in evening gowns, gloves, hairpieces, jewels and such like. The vintage vixens had come out in full force and I realised that I needed to up my game.
So, I ordered two dresses which arrived within a couple of days. One was hunter green, the other mink. I loved them both and thought I would be happy with either one.
How wrong was I?
The hunter green was stunning. Fitted like a glove and was really what I was looking for. However, with 60 seconds of wearing it, as the sequins ripped apart my inner arms and I realised this was not something I would ever wear again and at over £180, It was money poorly spent.
Joanna Hope Sequinned dress £189.00
The second, the mink was hideous. I *know* I didn’t have my shape wear on, however it looked awful and blended in with my skin tone far too much. Neither were going to work.
Hideous!
As I only had three days before the event, I was really pushing things. I started thinking about what I had in my wardrobe and I remembered a beautiful blue velvet gown I had bought about three years ago. I had only ever worn it for a black & white charity calendar photo-shoot so it had never really been shown off.
It was still the size I was wearing, so all seemed good. That was my plan and I was sticking to it.
So, the day finally arrived. Monday 12th November and the show started at 2030. We could get into the Palladium Theatre from 1930 and Boo and I had decided to arrive early, get something to eat and have a jolly good catch up.
I booked my tickets on trainline. First class both ways cost a total of £47 which I thought was quite good. It did mean that I had to go on specific trains, limiting me a little but I didn’t think it would be a problem.
Arriving in Style
Sadly due to a work problem Boo couldn’t get into London for the previously arranged time and I had a couple of hours to kill. Let me tell you, wandering around Borough Market in a full length velvet evening gown, lucite bag and a dita-esque wig caused a lot of people to look in amazement.
Making ME happy
Thankfully there were some very lovely people out there that came right up to me and complimented me on my style. This set the nerves quiet for awhile. I did what most sensible people would do; I found a pub and ordered a drink and sat and read a book on my kindle for a couple of hours!
Right Outside
Eventually it was time to meet Boo at Oxford Circus. The Palladium literally was around the corner on Argyle Street so we wouldn’t have far to go. Spotting Boo in the street we headed to Five Guys to have some dinner. Now, some of you may know I am on a carb free diet at the moment. However, this was a special occasion and I pushed the boat out with a burger and fries. I have to admit it was blooming handsome though.
Here we go…..
We left and made our way to the theatre. The queue was pretty massive with every style of clothing going. Whilst trying to get a photograph outside the theatre I heard a voice say ‘I think I know you, You have a blog, don’t you?’
Stopping what we were doing I started talking to the lovely lady and it turns out she did indeed follow my blog and had told her friend that she was sure it was me.
Moment in the spotlight!
Exciting Times
We eventually got into the theatre and found our seats. Our tiny little seats that could barely accommodate my impressive derriere. Oh well, it was the show that was important and I could stand a couple of hours discomfort.
Selfie Time
The show was due to start at 2030 but was running a little late.
Almost Time….
After a few minutes a deep, sexy, masculine voice came over the speakers. Such a voice that it created goosebumps. It reminded my very much of Red Pepper, Voice-over artist extraordinaire.
Then he walked out. Jonny McGovern. White, Tuxedoed, Bearded and a LOT camp. Throughout his compere routine he had different fans which he flicked out with passion and verve.
The Impresario, Jonny McGovern – Just sublime
And he was FUNNY. I mean, really FUNNY. His monologue was witty, incisive, inclusive and above all, laugh-out-loud.
I literally could have listened to him all night as a one man show.
However, he was there to compere what we had all come to see; The Diva Goddess that is Dita.
He proudly announced her to the stage. The room went quiet and the music started.
The curtains rose.
There, centre stage was the iconic champagne coupe. Glittering gold and crystal bedecked. Gold metal stairs leading up to it.
Well to be honest I was a bit stunned. I thought that this iconic routine would perhaps be the finale, but no. Then I got my first glimpse of Dita.
Without giving too much away, she was a vision!
A glittering, iridescent, shining beacon of light. The stones on her dress lit up like stars. I have literally never seen anything so beautiful. And what a tiny little thing she was.
Tiny yet perfectly formed.
She performed her routine to much cheering, whistling and whooping.
Then we went back to Jonny for some more hilarity before being introduced to some more acts; Ginger Valentine, Zelia Rose and Gia Genevieve.
Whilst I would love to tell you all about their different routines, I really don’t want to spoil it for those that have still got tickets to go and see the show!
So if you are waiting to see her and don’t want it spoilt SCROLL DOWN QUICK NOW until you get to a the Audience selfie photograph!!
Ginger Valentine did a fabulous routine where she was all dressed in red and had a large metal heart which she twisted and posed and played around on. She even did the splits whilst in mid air and it looked divine.
Zelia Rose was the most stunning girl. She did a routine which was straight from the days of Josephine Baker and even had the bananas!
There was a lot of 20’s/30’s movements including Charleston steps and it was fun, fast paced and fantastic.
Then we saw Gia Genevieve. She came out, a blonde Marilynesque style buxom blonde and her routine involved a roll-top bath which had running water. She gave a fabulous performance and as Jonny put it afterwards, The Pussy Squirt was the highlight!
Now no need to get worried; the bath had a shower attachment that she used to squirt water all over the stage.
Dita then reappeared on a set bedecked in dove grey. A huge chaise lounge with a sparkly telephone sat there. Her two male dancers, The Vontourage (Alek and Elio) and she appeared in this beautiful satiny grey coat/dress.
The routine was just right out of Hollywood. Classy and timeless. The end result was still the same, Dita ended up not wearing very much before falling asleep on the lounger. Perfect.
Then it was time for a 15 minute break before the second half. Hitting the bar I got a drink and returned back to my seat.
Round Two
The second half started with my favourite performance of the night.
The Men came out dressed in full on ballet costumes, codpiece n all! They did a small routine and then Dita entered the stage. My mind was blown.
Wearing a black and red embellished tutu, she had black ballet slippers with red soles. A red crown and jewelled hair-net.
But what blew my mind the most was she was dancing and pirouetting en-pointe! I honestly never saw that one coming.
She leapt across the stage, twirling and turning and I was transfixed. She literally could have kept every stitch of clothing on and I wouldn’t have minded. She was sublime.
We were treated to another couple of acts; Jett Adore and the one and only Dirty Martini.
Jett performed first.
I am at a huge loss of what to say about Jett.
He came out dressed in a Spanish inspired costume; cape, hat, sword ala Zorro.
All I could think about was Juan Sheet from the Plenty advert!
He was a great performer; cutting off bits of his costume before putting his cape to good use before turning his back to the audience and showing the huge silvery glittery Z across his back.
He ended up on his back on the floor, thrusting with a rose before ‘Shooting’ all the petals in the air.
Well,I was trying my hardest. But I just couldn’t stop laughing and neither could most of the audience either.
It wasn’t that it was a bad performance, it was actually really good. I just didn’t find it sexual in anyway, just all a bit much,
Please don’t think for one second that I am slagging off his performance. He is a very accomplished boylesque performer, I just didn’t get it. I couldn’t get Juan Sheet out of my mind during the whole thing and that is down to me, not him!
Next came the One and Only, Dirty Martini.
After Dita, she was my second favourite performer. This could have been because she was larger than the normal burlesque performer, or because she was on the older side, or because she had mad dancing skills.
Nah, it was all three!
She was bloody amazing. She brought to mind old time 1950s – 1960s burlesque revues. Nipple Tassles at the ready, she gave the ultimate retro performance and the crowd went wild!
Called onto the stage after by Jonny, she gave the most amazing demonstration of tassel work, Clockwise, Anti-clockwise, one at a time, going opposite ways; you name it, she was able to do it and I personally loved every second!
Literally she was my idol.
Jonny then broke the rules slightly; there was no photography allowed but took a selfie with the crowd. Cheese!
I am actually in this photo – right near the back, just look for the black hair, around 5 people behind the brolly!
Finally it was down to the last performance of the night. Dita’s finale.
This one involved the Vontourage again and a pink sparkly mechanical bull. A country and western routine with line dancing later and she was on top of the bull riding in a sensual and slow style. It really was a sight to see!
All too soon the show was over and we left the theatre to wend our way home. Boo had to head off whilst I was queuing to get my belongings from the Cloakroom.
Is Dita ready for me?
I made my way over to the train station. Tired, worn out and a little emotional. However I had experienced the most amazing show.
Waiting for my train home
It may sound a little weird as I had clearly booked a ticket to see a burlesque show, however I have to say that I would have been just as transfixed if Dita et al had kept their clothing on. Their routines were just perfect and I felt they didn’t need the nudity (although it was appreciated by many in the audience)
I was just that much in love with the costumes that I didn’t want to see them removed!
Someone was happy to see me!
Weird I know, but that is just me!
Did you go and see the show? Who was your favourite?
Till next time
SPSG xxx